Friday, December 21 - The end on the Mayan Calendar - it looks like we survived! :) The winter solstice - yeah, the days will gradually get longer! :) Finalizing the Christmas shopping and buying groceries for that Christmas Dinner. The local Wal-Mart is an extremely busy place during the Christmas holidays in our small town. Especially because yesterday we had Blizzard Conditions in Northwest Missouri that kept everyone shut-in and at home, interstates shut down, and today the sun was shining brightly on the new snow. The shopping trip today with my youngest daughter; who is an expert with the calculator, took more than four hours. It seemed like there was someone who was concerned about my Mom and our family in every single aisle. I appreciate their concern, their hugs, and their well wishes. I would put on my most sincere smile and give them the rote answer, "Mom is handling this extremely well...., please stop by and see her...,she hasn't had a sick day yet..., she is driving herself to her doctors appointments..., we feel blessed and appreciative of every single day that she feels well..." I started thinking about how I have changed since my Mom's diagnosis.
My family has never been the "touchy/feely" type. I can never remember my grandparents giving me a hug or a kiss. I never heard the words, "I love you" from either of them. Nor can I ever remember them touching one another. I do recall once; when I was very young, hugging my grandfather tightly while I sat beside him on a tractor....I immediately felt him stiffen and he said something like, "what's wrong with you?". That was the last time I ever hugged him... including when the doctors and nurses rolled him into the operating room to remove a "mass" from his intestine. Grandad never fully came out from under the anesthesia and died three days later...and I never said I love you.
Thus; I learned early on, that I can share my love, and I can feel love. without touching everyone whom I come contact with. I have to make a conscious effort to hug my own children when they leave and when I first see them for the first time each day. I never hug or touch the students I teach and I get the feeling that my colleagues just know that I'm not open to their hugs.
Prior to my Mom's diagnosis, several days would pass without my talking to her on the phone. I am a very a busy person, and I go pretty much full-throttle until I completely shut down; usually around 9PM. I have always felt that my Mom knows exactly how important she is to me without my calling her (long distance) to tell her. After all she is always there for me - my Mom is my touchstone.
Since my older daughter went off to college a year and a half ago, I have told my husband many times that her not calling me for an entire week was "God's punishment for how I've neglected my Mom", and that "I know I deserve this." But, always I know just how much Chandelar loves me.
Since my Mom's diagnosis I find the need to talk to her every day and I end every conversation by reminding her that I love her. The first time, I could tell that she was caught off guard, but I think that she can also see that I'm getting better at it. I have started making sure that I take the time to give both of my girls a real hug when I first see them and a long hug when they are leaving. I have vowed not miss saying another I love you.
And, suddenly, I appreciate the hugs from people that I've know all of my life but whom I have never shared real physical contact. I appreciate it when they hold my hand or pat my back telling me that they are praying for us. I hope I never take this for granted again! There is a positive that has come from the Cancer Diagnosis.
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