When it Rains it Pours!

Thursday, January 3 -  My husband and I would have been married for fourteen years on February 14, 2013.  However, he has informed me that he doesn't love me anymore.  John said that he hasn't loved me for some time now.  He said that he has tried and that there just isn't a spark there anymore.  No passion, no excitement, and that frankly he doesn't really even "like" me any longer.

I now know what a lightning bolt must feel like when it strikes an unsuspecting victim.  Standing out there in the rain, you must know that there is some danger. You must believe that surely you will find shelter when BAM! You are struck. Blindsided by the bolt... That it the best description I can give to how this news felt to me.  I knew we were having problems.  I could feel a distance and I have felt it for some time.  I just had faith that we would somehow work it all out.  I have had a lot on my mind.  I am very driven and I like my job.  I am passionate about teaching, and I spend much of my time during the school year focused on my craft.  I am also a perfectionist.  I think these are the traits that finally drove my husband over the edge.

Even as I write this post, I find it hard to breathe.  I keep telling myself that "time heals all wounds" and reminding myself of all of the hurtful things he said as he packed up his belongings.  The wisdom of my eldest daughter who quoted "Mom, God only gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers".  She is confident that I am strong.  I am not so confident!  I know there is some plan and God will give me the strength to get through this.  I just need to have faith.  I must persevere even if only for the sake of my daughters.

Ironically, I find myself thinking about the Mayan Calendar.  Life as I knew it truly is over now.  My Mom has stage 3 inflammatory breast cancer, and my husband has chosen to leave my two daughters and I.  I fear that I cannot bear to go on without my Mom, and now I feel even more alone.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring and I pray that God will give me the strength and the courage to overcome.