Sunday, January 6 - For the first time since my mom began her chemotherapy treatments, she wasn't feeling well today. She was slightly nauseous and feeling dizzy. She was extremely tired. I blame myself....She has been so consumed with worry about my daughters and I since I shared the news about my impending divorce. Mom is worried about my paying my own bills, and the state of my mental health. She would do anything to prevent our pain.
Mom always seems so strong when she is talking to me; however, my sister says that when she has talked to her that our mother is almost in tears and beside herself with worry. I wish now that I wouldn't have troubled her with my problems. My Mom has always been the strongest force in my life. Even as a teenager, I shared everything with my Mom. I feel now though that this is something I should have kept to myself, at least until I had pulled myself together. I see now that the roles between us are truly changing. I need to be as strong in front of my Mom as I am in front of my girls.
I am very careful not to let them see me too emotional and now I also need to be careful with my Mom. I believe that the power of positive thinking can make a difference in every aspect of our lives. I have heard of Cancer patients who feel that their positive thinking brought them through the treatments stronger. I have vowed to surround my Mom with positive thoughts. I have to pick myself up, grow up, and be strong for my Mom. The men in my life have come and gone but the one constant has always been my Mom.
And now, I will move on. A new chapter has begun in our lives and Mom's cancer diagnosis was just the first part of the ever changing setting.
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