Seven Treatments Down - Five to Go!

Tuesday, January 22 - My Mom had her 7th round of Chemotherapy today.  Her blood counts were all within reasonable safe limits though and so the chemo was a go.  This week my Mom also had to take the additional two shots into the muscle. I know that this is painful and that it swells and aches for a day or two afterward.  When the three hours of the chemo drip were finished, Mom went out to lunch, went shopping at the local grocery store, and got the oil changed in her car.  Amazing to me.....how does she do it?

I have noticed that she has been so tired during the past week that it takes an extreme amount of effort to do the small things.  She told me that she gets extremely dizzy when she stands up to quickly.  I have noticed that her coloring is so pale. My mom seems to be growing old right in front of me.  She seems more stooped and her movements are much slower.  She says that she finds it hard to catch her breath when she moves too fast and I have heard her gasping at times.   Mom has not missed a day of work yet.  I know that she will push herself until she simply can't go any father.

I was both relieved and worried when she called to tell me that she would have the chemo today.  I trust that the doctors are monitoring her blood levels and that they would not allow her to take the treatment if they were in doubt of its effect.  I feared that she would not be able to take the treatment because she has been so extremely fatigued lately.  Yet somehow, she seemed to have more energy when she came out of the clinic than when she went in.  Maybe it is the hope and the knowing that she is one hurdle closer to the finish line.

Regardless, our lives continue to change daily and our relationships continue to grow closer.  My mom has attended church with Brandy and I the past two weeks. She has not gone to church regularly since my Dad died so this too is quite a change for her. I was shocked when she asked me if we would mind if she went with us.  We were excited when she actually came.  I can see that she needs to feel closer to God.  She needs the comfort that being in church brings. And for this we feel blessed.  I am glad that I have been given the chance to tell my Mom that I love her every day, to hug her every time I tell her goodbye, and to share the joy of having breakfast with her on a Sunday morning after church.

:)



 

Half Way to Our Goal

Tuesday, January 16 - Mom was able to take her sixth chemotherapy treatment today.  This is the half-way point and a milestone that we have been looking forward to.  She has been able to take the last three treatments in a row.  Her blood levels have tested good every time.  The tissue has shrunk considerably and the oncologist says my Mom's cancer is reacting remarkably to the treatment.

My Mom has driven herself to each of these treatments.  Afterward, she has even felt well enough to go to the local Walmart shopping and then has taken herself out to eat at the local Subway before driving herself home again.  The strength my Mom exhibits every day amazes me.  When she is tired and feels so weak that she can barely stand, she forces herself up.  When she rises and is so dizzy she if afraid she will fall, she stands still until it passes.  My Mom deals with all of the humiliating side effects of the chemotherapy treatments like hair loss and loss of bladder control by laughing at herself. She is so powerful.

I, on the other hand, am not battling for my life.  I do not have cancer.  I am healthy.   I have a home, two beautiful daughters, and a job that I love.  And yet; I am near tears at any given moment every day.  I cannot bear to think about eating out by myself let alone growing old alone.  At times I feel as though I am dying from a "broken heart".  I find this self loathing pathetic!  Lying awake each night replaying my life and thinking about all of the things I failed to do, should have done, and didn't do right.

Cancer has brought my family closer together.  I call my Mom every day now.  Her optimism picks me up. It brightens my spirit. I draw power from my Mom.  Carefully, so as not to let her see my weakness.  As a teacher, one of the "truths" I have come to believe is that..."The apple never falls far from the tree".  I believe this; however, I know that my sister landed closer to the trunk.  I can only hope that I am in the shadow of my Mother's branches.

The Power of Positive Thought

Sunday, January 6 - For the first time since my mom began her chemotherapy treatments,  she wasn't feeling well today. She was slightly nauseous and feeling dizzy.  She was extremely tired.  I blame myself....She has been so consumed with worry about my daughters and I since I shared the news about my impending divorce.  Mom is worried about my paying my own bills, and the state of my mental health.  She would do anything to prevent our pain.

Mom always seems so strong when she is talking to me; however, my sister says that when she has talked to her that our mother is almost in tears and beside herself with worry.  I wish now that I wouldn't have troubled her with my problems.  My Mom has always been the strongest force in my life.  Even as a teenager, I shared everything with my Mom.  I feel now though that this is something I should have kept to myself, at least until I had pulled myself together.  I see now that the roles between us are truly changing.  I need to be as strong in front of my Mom as I am in front of my girls. 

I am very careful not to let them see me too emotional and now I also need to be careful with my Mom.  I believe that the power of positive thinking can make a difference in every aspect of our lives.  I have heard of Cancer patients who feel that their positive thinking brought them through the treatments stronger.  I have vowed to surround my Mom with positive thoughts.  I have to pick myself up, grow up, and be strong for my Mom.  The men in my life have come and gone but the one constant has always been my Mom. 

And now, I will move on.  A new chapter has begun in our lives and Mom's cancer diagnosis was just the first part of the ever changing setting.

When it Rains it Pours!

Thursday, January 3 -  My husband and I would have been married for fourteen years on February 14, 2013.  However, he has informed me that he doesn't love me anymore.  John said that he hasn't loved me for some time now.  He said that he has tried and that there just isn't a spark there anymore.  No passion, no excitement, and that frankly he doesn't really even "like" me any longer.

I now know what a lightning bolt must feel like when it strikes an unsuspecting victim.  Standing out there in the rain, you must know that there is some danger. You must believe that surely you will find shelter when BAM! You are struck. Blindsided by the bolt... That it the best description I can give to how this news felt to me.  I knew we were having problems.  I could feel a distance and I have felt it for some time.  I just had faith that we would somehow work it all out.  I have had a lot on my mind.  I am very driven and I like my job.  I am passionate about teaching, and I spend much of my time during the school year focused on my craft.  I am also a perfectionist.  I think these are the traits that finally drove my husband over the edge.

Even as I write this post, I find it hard to breathe.  I keep telling myself that "time heals all wounds" and reminding myself of all of the hurtful things he said as he packed up his belongings.  The wisdom of my eldest daughter who quoted "Mom, God only gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers".  She is confident that I am strong.  I am not so confident!  I know there is some plan and God will give me the strength to get through this.  I just need to have faith.  I must persevere even if only for the sake of my daughters.

Ironically, I find myself thinking about the Mayan Calendar.  Life as I knew it truly is over now.  My Mom has stage 3 inflammatory breast cancer, and my husband has chosen to leave my two daughters and I.  I fear that I cannot bear to go on without my Mom, and now I feel even more alone.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring and I pray that God will give me the strength and the courage to overcome.