The Double Mastectomy

Thursday, June 20 

(9:00am) - Mom had her pre-surgical visit yesterday with Dr. Shewell at his office in St. Joseph.  The evaluation only took a few minutes.  She is finally strong enough for the double mastectomy to remove the remaining cancerous cells in her left breast.  It has been eight weeks since her last chemotherapy treatment.  Mom has begun to eat regularly and is slowly but surely gaining some of her weight back.  Her coloring is back to normal and she feels strong and healthy; therefore, Dr. Shewell said the surgery could proceed as planned.

The surgery will take at least two hours and she will be in recovery for at least an hour if everything goes ok.  Dr. Shewell answered all of our questions about the surgery and the recovery process.  I wished that it could have just happened then.  We would both have preferred to get it over with.

And so, I picked Mom up at 5:15am this morning so that we could check-in at 6:30 in the St. Joseph hospital.  We met with several nurses, the anesthetist, and the doctor and waited in the waiting area for two hours until at last they took her back to the operating room.  I now sit in the waiting area, surrounded by strangers who are also waiting on news about their loved ones.  I understand that every person her is feeling just as anxious and apprehensive as I am.  Each one with their own set of circumstances and manner of dealing with their fears.  Waiting for the Doctor to emerge to give you news that will either bring relief or burden your heart further is excruciating.  I have been in this setting many times before, but today even more so because I wait alone.  I have my cell phone, but no one is texting, I have my book but my eyes seem heavy, and I have my computer but I find myself looking at the clock only to see that it has been just five minutes since I last checked....

I know that I'm not completely alone.  Friends have sent messages and are thinking and praying for us even now.  The thought of the number of people who are with us in spirit is comforting.  Our community has been so supportive!  Even though I feel alone, I am not and that gives me strength. 

Mom is scared and that makes me feel helpless.  There is nothing I can do or say that will take away the fear that the doctors will not be able to get all of the cancer that is attacking her body. I secretly have the same fear and somehow doubt that I can handle the news that the doctor might bring alone.  And yet my Mom has dealt with this aloneness her entire life dealing with so many traumatic events by waiting alone.  I too can do this.  I have no other choice after all.

Let the waiting begin.....  

(9:45 am) - The hospital liaison just came out and called my name.  I swear my heart skipped a beat.   (It hasn't been long enough for good news!)  She only wanted to say that the surgery began at 9:15.  My Mom did well with the anesthetists and she is stable.  The liaison warned me that she would be back out in forty-five minutes to "keep me posted".  She must have seen from the look on my face that she scared me.  

Dr. Shewell has started on the left breast because it will take much longer considering that he has to remove all of the lymph glands on that side; hence a radical left breast mastectomy and a "partial" on the right side.  

So far so good....

(10:20 am) - The left side is completely done and the liaison said everything went well.  Dr. Shewell has started on the right side. I think that went much quicker than he anticipated.  I pray that is a good thing! By now he must know how quickly the cancer is advancing.  I will wait another forty-five minutes to hear this news.  

My stomach feels queasy....it's probably a good thing I couldn't eat anything this morning.....

(10:48 am) -  "Dr. Shewell will see you in the consultation area"...  and so I waited isolated in a room where all was quiet.  Praying!  Dr. Shewell gave me 35 minutes before he came in.  i swear my heart was racing like I had been running! 

(11:20 am) -  The surgery went much like Dr.Shewell had expected.  The left side had scar tissue from the previous surgery but Dr. Shewell felt no suspicious lumps in the left lymph nodes or in the tissue in the left breast.  There were no suspicious spots on the right side.  Inflammatory Breast cancer is hard to treat because it is a skin tissue cancer.  Surgery is a treatment for this type of cancer but is not a cure.  Removing the cancerous tissue is good but may not prevent it from coming back.  Probably in the same area but possibly elsewhere.  There is a twenty percent chance of re-occurance...to me this is an eighty percent chance it will not reoccur....Dr. Shewell informed me; however, that this is a pretty high likelihood that it will reoccur.  Dr. Shewell said,"the nature of life is that we grow old, we get diseases, and eventually one of them kills us....we need to live as positively as possible and enjoy every day we have whether that is one day, one year, or twenty years."  Dr. Shewell's hope for my Mom is that she won't be consumed by the cancer.  That she won't focus every waking moment on this disease.  That she will enjoy every day she has without worrying that it might return.  He says she needs to get back to what she loves doing....back to her work...and she needs to maintain as positive attitude because he believes the cancer feeds off of the feelings and thoughts of the patient.  

My fears have been confirmed.  Thank God for removing the cancerous tissue that is present at the moment.  I pray that God's will is done both in her life and in our lives.  Only God knows what is best for us and what will finally kill us.  

Final Stretch with Chemo

Tuesday, April 23 - Today marked the third of the four final chemotherapy treatments that my Mom will have before a final sonogram evaluation and the double mastectomy which will (God willing) remove the last of the cancerous mass that attacked her breasts since this November.  Her blood counts were back up to normal and everything seems to be progressing in spite of her fatigue and inability to eat.

The past two weeks have been trying ones for my Mom.  Her white blood cell count dropped to dangerous levels which made her vulnerable to even a common cold which might lead to pneumonia and therefore she was able to work the three days at her part-time job which in itself is a huge stress on my Mom who has never missed a days work in her life.  Thankfully her supervisor was able to reason with her enough to make her see that she needed to be at home getting the rest that her doctor had prescribed.

Then last Tuesday her blood work showed that the levels were back up to an acceptable range and so Mom proceeded to work her three days but by Saturday she was so week she took a nasty fall trying to step up on her deck at the house while carrying a bag of groceries.  Mom hit her eye and fell hard on her shoulder cutting open her hand.  She wasn't able to get up right away and admittedly thought she would have to call for help.  Once she did make it into her house her eye was black and almost swollen shut.  The cut bleed profusely thanks to the Coumadin that is necessary to thin her blood.  My Mom looks like she lost a bought with a prize fighter!

And so today, I traveled to Cameron with her to discuss her treatment with her doctor and explain just how weak she is.  Much to my surprise her white blood count was up and all of her blood levels were good.  She has maintained her weight for two weeks and seems to be responding perfectly to the treatments.

Mom will continue for the next two weeks with her regular Tuesday blood checks and then in three weeks, Tuesday, May 14, she will take her final chemotherapy treatment.  About June 4, she will have a  sonogram to evaluate the exact size and location of any remaining mass and the appointment will be made soon thereafter for the double mastectomy.

We are all looking forward to this stage of the treatment being over because of how weak and sick it has made her.  All in all though, I am so thankful because I have heard so many other stories of people who were much sicker and even bed-ridden during their chemotherapy.  I know my Mom has been blessed and God has answered her prayers to continue work throughout this process.  Today she confided in me that at night she sits in her chair watching TV wrapped in the prayer quilts that two area churches made for her.  Mom says that wrapped in all of those prayers comforts her and she believes that she will be ok in the end.  I am so thankful to all of the people who are praying for her and thinking of those precious gifts that bring her hope!  I am fortunate to be surrounded by love and support.  This too brings me hope that I can deal with all of the much more trivial challenges that at times threaten to consume me.   Thank you!

The Struggle Begins....

Tuesday, March 26 - My mom has begun to struggle as a result of the side effects of the chemo therapy drugs. She has been extremely light headed and nauseous. She has not been able to eat enough or drink enough to keep up the strength to do her daily chores. Mom's regular scheduled appointment was this Tuesday. She had her blood levels checked, which is the routine on the weeks that she doesn't have the chemotherapy. This week her white blood count was so low that Dr. Gupta said it was at a dangerous level. My Mom's dizziness and nauseous feeling is a result of this level being so extremely low.

Mom was given a shot that is said to help raise the white blood counts and immediately put on antibiotics to prevent infection. She has to have a second shot On Wednesday and a third shot on Thursday, both of which she will be able to get at the hospital in Bethany. Friday she will have another blood test to monitor all levels and possibly an additional shot depending on the blood test results. The goal is to get her blood levels to a range so that she can get her normally scheduled chemotherapy next Tuesday.

Dr. Gupta said that these final nine weeks of therapy were completely necessary before the double mastectomy and radiation. I fear that the chemotherapy is going to completely wear her down to a point where she will just give up. For the first time, Mom is getting very negative about the cancer and the treatment that will save her life. Her outlook has totally changed. She is extremely down-hearted. Mom is beginning to say things like, "This will probably be the last time I will get to go to a graduation", and "I probably won't be around for that." It is so disheartening to hear this. I believe that a patient's mental state and positive attitude really contribute to the outcome of their treatment and so hearing the negativity is especially troubling.

My Mom could really use your prayers, and your smiles of concern right now. I believe that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. And I have faith that God will provide, but I am beginning to wonder just how much one person has to bare in their lifetime, and why....?

New Therapy....and Updates

Tuesday,March 12 - Mom started the new therapy of chemo today.  The doctor describes it as a new cocktail of medicines.  As he has explained it, just because it is 1x every 3 weeks that doesn't mean that it is more intense or harsher to her system.  The nurse says that because she did so well with her first therapy she will also do well with this therapy!  We are all optimistic....my mom says that she can do anything 1x a week every 3 weeks, especially if there are only a total of 4 total.

I took Mom to her appointment just to satisfy myself and see what the new treatment would consist of.  We had a week off for spring break at North Harrison and so it was the perfect opportunity for me to spend time with my Mom.   The medicated IV's took 3hours and 30 minutes to run through her system.  The day was beautiful and spring like and so I waited outside for her to finish after I talked to her doctor and nurses.

My mom came out of the treatment charged!  She had more energy than I have seen her possess in months.  She was chirping like a bird and wanted to go shopping (of all things)!  I am not a shopper and she knows it,  but I was thrilled to spend the day with her.  We ate out at 54th Street Restaurant; I had never eaten there and now I know why it is Mom's favorite.  There enough food on our table to feed 5 people.  My mom was finally able to eat.  Eating has been a problem for her because she says everything tastes metallic and this is the thing she misses the most.  She has lost about 15 pounds since her treatments began 14 weeks ago.  I believe this is a good thing because she had some weight to loose and I know she will be healthier coming out the other side of this gloom and doom.

We stopped at Lowe's and she bought a new faucet for her bathroom and then she wanted to hit the mall.  Whew!  Mom bought 2 new outfits to wear to Payton 's graduation functions and an assortment of accessories to glam them up (she actually bought scarves and jewelry)!  She had a great time trying on the outfits I handed her over the dressing room door.  She has lost a couple of sizes and I think she was excited about the new possibilities in clothes.  We must have gone into every store in the mall...I was totally exhausted by the time we got home late that evening.  I am so glad for the opportunity to spend the day with my Mom.

Tuesday, March 19 - All blood levels are good and Mom doesn't seem to be experiencing any side adverse side effects.

Wednesday, March 20 - I try to call my Mom every evening just to check on and her.  Mostly I just need to hear her voice and tell her that I love her.  I could tell that something was wrong,  she didn't seem to be listening and I noticed that her words were slurred.  During her conversation, my mom fainted!  Just passed out cold right there in the kitchen floor!  She was so dehydrated from lack of drinking during the day that she a actually passed out!  I did the first thing I always do in a crisis, I called my sister!  Debra finally got my Mom to answer and when she did she confessed that she was lying in the kitchen floor near the phone!  It was such a helpless feeling!  We are both at least 40 minutes from her!  We have to figure something out regarding how we can keep a closer watch on her, and how we can get to her quicker if she need us. Our next challenge has presented itself!

We've Hit a Tough Stretch

Tuesday, March 5 - The past week has been a rough one for my Mom.  She was extremely fatigued and short of breath.  Oh yes, she continued to work each day as if nothing was wrong!  Thursday, Friday, and Saturday from 9:00 to 6:00 she pushed on through.  I stopped in to visit her on Saturday evening before closing just to check.  I knew something was really wrong when I told her that Brandy and I were thinking about coming down on Sunday only to have her say that she didn't think she could cook anything.  She said she was thinking about staying in bed all day long!  I have never in my lifetime heard those things from my Mom.  I knew something was really wrong.

Sunday morning Brandy and I headed down to her house anyway.  She looked so worn out and weak and her coloring was gray.  When she stood up she almost blacked out and had to grab on to her chair.  Walking across the kitchen made her gasp and she had to stop every 10 feet or so.  I called my sister for reinforcements.   Brandy, Payton, Debra and I left Mammy with no choice! We took her to the emergency room Sunday evening under great protest.  She insisted that she was fine!  Mom's sodium and magnesium were extremely low  and she needed IV's because she was so dehydrated.  The doctor decided to give her a blood transfusion while she was there because of low hemoglobin levels.  Mom had a fever that persisted throughout the evening.  She was admitted and spent the night in the hospital.

Cancer takes away all pride.  My Mom is not a prideful person but cancer leaves you with nothing.  I fear at times that it will also break her spirit.  Mom looses control of her bladder and colon at times.  She is humiliated by this as anyone would be.  She tries to make jokes about it just to make light of the situation.  Always better to laugh through the pain!

The new regimen of chemotherapy was set to begin today but the doctor didn't feel that Mom was well enough to get it.  Therefore, it will begin next Tuesday.  Luckily next week is spring break at school so I can drive Mom to her appointment and not have to miss work.  She will then continue the new regimen one time every three weeks.  If all goes well the four doses will end about May 14th.  I have learned not to take dates literally since there are so many variables between then and now.  However, if all goes well that is the end date.  The chemo will be followed by a double mastectomy and radiation.  Hopefully all of those things will take place during summer vacation so that Chandelar, Payton, Brandy, and I can all be available to help with daily chores, driving, etc....  Wish us luck!

Sonogram, results, and new regimen of treatment!

Tuesday, February 19 - My sister and niece took Mom to her Sonogram appointment in St. Joseph on Monday.  They ate at Mom's favorite steak house, 54th Street, and Mom ordered that steak that she had been craving for weeks.  She said it was delicious.  Surely the craving for meat comes from the lack of red blood cells and her body's desire to fight back and get stronger.  Steak is one of the things that she still can taste.  Usually Mom has a strong metallic taste in her mouth and says that she can't taste most food.  Her cooking is definitely suffering...way to much salt in everything!  I honestly have never known someone who misses the taste of good food as much as my Mom.  Another one of those things that is so different about us.  I swear I don't even really taste food.  For me it just fills up the empty void until I have to do it again.  Mom sure misses it though and I love the fact that she gets so much enjoyment out of the time she shares with her family over a great meal.

Tuesday my mom once again drove herself to her chemotherapy appointment.  The doctor said that the sonogram shows that the masses have shrunk considerably.  Next week her regimen will change.  She will go down for an appointment on Tuesday to check her blood levels and then she will have a different form of Chemotherapy.  This chemo will require 1 time every three weeks for twelve weeks.  Only four treatments (which Mom says will be a breeze considering the last 13 weeks)!  I fear that this treatment must be really severe since it requires so much time between treatments and such close monitoring of the blood.  The doctor has forewarned her that many patients on this therapy require additional blood transfusions.

I am trying to be positive and feel that the blessing lies in the fact that the daily radiation treatments will not begin right away.  Twelve more weeks will take us into the summer...through track season and to the end of school.  Then I can go with her and help with the driving or anything else that she needs.  I just pray that the next twelve weeks and this new regimen of treatment won't make her so sick and weak that she isn't able to function.  I have never seen my mom in that state; thank God, but have seen many other cancer patients who are.

My Mom's biggest concern continues to be that she won't be able to work.  Visiting with the customers who shop at the store helps keep her positive and gives her something to look forward to each day. There is no way my Mom could make it without the income from her part-time job.  I can not imagine how elderly people survive to pay their medical bills and drug therapies on the money from their retirements and social security.  I am not a politically minded person, but there has to be some better way to help the people who have worked their entire lives only to suffer in old age.  I hope that everyone will keep her in their prayers. 

Tenth Chemo Treatment and Blood Transfusion

Tuesday, February 12 - My mom was able to get her tenth chemotherapy treatment.  As usual, she drove herself to her appointment about forty-five minutes from home, took her routine blood test, and sat though the three hours of chemotherapy.  Mom usually follows the treatment with a Subway sandwich and a trip to Walmart when she is feeling well enough.  Somehow she turns the outing into a fun trip.  This week she has been extremely weak, and I seriously doubted that her red blood cells would allow the chemo.  She has been unable to walk even a few hundred feet without gasping for air.  Mom says she feels exhausted and she is extremely pale and tired looking. 

The doctor ordered a transfusion for the evening at our local hospital in Bethany.  Mom was admitted as an outpatient.  She had her blood typed which alone is about an hour and a half process.  When I walked into her hospital room, I couldn't help but notice how small she looked.  It is as if she is shrinking before my eyes.  The bed was raised up to high and her legs dangled from the sides. She looked almost like a child sitting there.  My heart ached because she looked so weak and almost helpless.  I wish somehow I could take some of this burden from her.

The entire blood transfusion process took about 10 hours; therefore, Mom had to spend the night.  She originally left for her Tuesday appointment at 9:30 am and didn't get back home until Wednesday morning about 8:00 am.  What a long 24 hours!  Surprisingly enough Mom's comment was, "I swear, they must have given me a teenager's blood, I feel so much stronger!"

Thank God for giving her the strength to prevail!

The Battle Rages On!

Tuesday, February 5 - My Mom has now completed her eighth and ninth chemotherapy treatments successfully!  Her blood levels have been in adequate range for the past two weeks in spite of the extreme fatigue that she has been feeling.  She still has never had a "sick" day as a result of the treatment.  She just has this tired feeling that won't seem to go away for any length of time.  Ironically; however, she says that she suffers from insomnia when she actually lies down at night.  I understand that this is a common side-effect of one of the medicines and that many of the cancer patients complain of not being able to sleep.

Mom says that one of the things she misses the most is the taste of food.  She has always been someone who loves to eat out, enjoys cooking, and loves the different tastes of food.  Now she describes the taste in her mouth as metallic.  She has taken Dr. Oz's advice to try to chew a sprig of parsley to rejuvenate her taste buds.  My Mom said that she really believes it does help. (I cannot imagine since the first thing I do is remove all parsley that garnishes the plate.)  She has started a variety of "home health food" remedies that she hopes might help her feel more energetic.  She consistently tests anemic but it has not halted the treatments thus far. 

The Oncologist has informed my Mom that she is entering her last phase of the chemotherapy treatment.  Following the twelveth treatment he will schedule a sonogram and a mammogram to check on the progress in shrinking the mass.  The Oncologist continues to explain to us that he has no crystal ball which will show us the exact path the will come next.  We believe that it will include radiation before the double mastectomy which will be followed with another round of chemotherapy; however, only time will tell for sure. 

My Mom continues to feel blessed by all of the people who stop by to talk to her about her treatment and  to see how she is progressing.  She says she never realized how many people really cared for her until now.  She has been blessed by so many people offering to drive her to treatments, surprising her with gas gift cards, children who have made lap quilts, get-well cards, and well wishes from people who know her from work.  I so appreciate the friends who ask on a daily basis, "How is your Mom?"  It is good to know that so many are keeping her in their thoughts and prayers.  I received a beautiful handmade pink scarf with a card which carried a special inscription that meant so much to my daughters and I tonight.  I cannot thank everyone enough.  Your love, prayers, and well wishes give us all strength.

"Adversity is like a strong wind.  It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are." -  Arthur Golden

Seven Treatments Down - Five to Go!

Tuesday, January 22 - My Mom had her 7th round of Chemotherapy today.  Her blood counts were all within reasonable safe limits though and so the chemo was a go.  This week my Mom also had to take the additional two shots into the muscle. I know that this is painful and that it swells and aches for a day or two afterward.  When the three hours of the chemo drip were finished, Mom went out to lunch, went shopping at the local grocery store, and got the oil changed in her car.  Amazing to me.....how does she do it?

I have noticed that she has been so tired during the past week that it takes an extreme amount of effort to do the small things.  She told me that she gets extremely dizzy when she stands up to quickly.  I have noticed that her coloring is so pale. My mom seems to be growing old right in front of me.  She seems more stooped and her movements are much slower.  She says that she finds it hard to catch her breath when she moves too fast and I have heard her gasping at times.   Mom has not missed a day of work yet.  I know that she will push herself until she simply can't go any father.

I was both relieved and worried when she called to tell me that she would have the chemo today.  I trust that the doctors are monitoring her blood levels and that they would not allow her to take the treatment if they were in doubt of its effect.  I feared that she would not be able to take the treatment because she has been so extremely fatigued lately.  Yet somehow, she seemed to have more energy when she came out of the clinic than when she went in.  Maybe it is the hope and the knowing that she is one hurdle closer to the finish line.

Regardless, our lives continue to change daily and our relationships continue to grow closer.  My mom has attended church with Brandy and I the past two weeks. She has not gone to church regularly since my Dad died so this too is quite a change for her. I was shocked when she asked me if we would mind if she went with us.  We were excited when she actually came.  I can see that she needs to feel closer to God.  She needs the comfort that being in church brings. And for this we feel blessed.  I am glad that I have been given the chance to tell my Mom that I love her every day, to hug her every time I tell her goodbye, and to share the joy of having breakfast with her on a Sunday morning after church.

:)



 

Half Way to Our Goal

Tuesday, January 16 - Mom was able to take her sixth chemotherapy treatment today.  This is the half-way point and a milestone that we have been looking forward to.  She has been able to take the last three treatments in a row.  Her blood levels have tested good every time.  The tissue has shrunk considerably and the oncologist says my Mom's cancer is reacting remarkably to the treatment.

My Mom has driven herself to each of these treatments.  Afterward, she has even felt well enough to go to the local Walmart shopping and then has taken herself out to eat at the local Subway before driving herself home again.  The strength my Mom exhibits every day amazes me.  When she is tired and feels so weak that she can barely stand, she forces herself up.  When she rises and is so dizzy she if afraid she will fall, she stands still until it passes.  My Mom deals with all of the humiliating side effects of the chemotherapy treatments like hair loss and loss of bladder control by laughing at herself. She is so powerful.

I, on the other hand, am not battling for my life.  I do not have cancer.  I am healthy.   I have a home, two beautiful daughters, and a job that I love.  And yet; I am near tears at any given moment every day.  I cannot bear to think about eating out by myself let alone growing old alone.  At times I feel as though I am dying from a "broken heart".  I find this self loathing pathetic!  Lying awake each night replaying my life and thinking about all of the things I failed to do, should have done, and didn't do right.

Cancer has brought my family closer together.  I call my Mom every day now.  Her optimism picks me up. It brightens my spirit. I draw power from my Mom.  Carefully, so as not to let her see my weakness.  As a teacher, one of the "truths" I have come to believe is that..."The apple never falls far from the tree".  I believe this; however, I know that my sister landed closer to the trunk.  I can only hope that I am in the shadow of my Mother's branches.

The Power of Positive Thought

Sunday, January 6 - For the first time since my mom began her chemotherapy treatments,  she wasn't feeling well today. She was slightly nauseous and feeling dizzy.  She was extremely tired.  I blame myself....She has been so consumed with worry about my daughters and I since I shared the news about my impending divorce.  Mom is worried about my paying my own bills, and the state of my mental health.  She would do anything to prevent our pain.

Mom always seems so strong when she is talking to me; however, my sister says that when she has talked to her that our mother is almost in tears and beside herself with worry.  I wish now that I wouldn't have troubled her with my problems.  My Mom has always been the strongest force in my life.  Even as a teenager, I shared everything with my Mom.  I feel now though that this is something I should have kept to myself, at least until I had pulled myself together.  I see now that the roles between us are truly changing.  I need to be as strong in front of my Mom as I am in front of my girls. 

I am very careful not to let them see me too emotional and now I also need to be careful with my Mom.  I believe that the power of positive thinking can make a difference in every aspect of our lives.  I have heard of Cancer patients who feel that their positive thinking brought them through the treatments stronger.  I have vowed to surround my Mom with positive thoughts.  I have to pick myself up, grow up, and be strong for my Mom.  The men in my life have come and gone but the one constant has always been my Mom. 

And now, I will move on.  A new chapter has begun in our lives and Mom's cancer diagnosis was just the first part of the ever changing setting.

When it Rains it Pours!

Thursday, January 3 -  My husband and I would have been married for fourteen years on February 14, 2013.  However, he has informed me that he doesn't love me anymore.  John said that he hasn't loved me for some time now.  He said that he has tried and that there just isn't a spark there anymore.  No passion, no excitement, and that frankly he doesn't really even "like" me any longer.

I now know what a lightning bolt must feel like when it strikes an unsuspecting victim.  Standing out there in the rain, you must know that there is some danger. You must believe that surely you will find shelter when BAM! You are struck. Blindsided by the bolt... That it the best description I can give to how this news felt to me.  I knew we were having problems.  I could feel a distance and I have felt it for some time.  I just had faith that we would somehow work it all out.  I have had a lot on my mind.  I am very driven and I like my job.  I am passionate about teaching, and I spend much of my time during the school year focused on my craft.  I am also a perfectionist.  I think these are the traits that finally drove my husband over the edge.

Even as I write this post, I find it hard to breathe.  I keep telling myself that "time heals all wounds" and reminding myself of all of the hurtful things he said as he packed up his belongings.  The wisdom of my eldest daughter who quoted "Mom, God only gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers".  She is confident that I am strong.  I am not so confident!  I know there is some plan and God will give me the strength to get through this.  I just need to have faith.  I must persevere even if only for the sake of my daughters.

Ironically, I find myself thinking about the Mayan Calendar.  Life as I knew it truly is over now.  My Mom has stage 3 inflammatory breast cancer, and my husband has chosen to leave my two daughters and I.  I fear that I cannot bear to go on without my Mom, and now I feel even more alone.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring and I pray that God will give me the strength and the courage to overcome.