(9:00am) - Mom had her pre-surgical visit yesterday with Dr. Shewell at his office in St. Joseph. The evaluation only took a few minutes. She is finally strong enough for the double mastectomy to remove the remaining cancerous cells in her left breast. It has been eight weeks since her last chemotherapy treatment. Mom has begun to eat regularly and is slowly but surely gaining some of her weight back. Her coloring is back to normal and she feels strong and healthy; therefore, Dr. Shewell said the surgery could proceed as planned.
The surgery will take at least two hours and she will be in recovery for at least an hour if everything goes ok. Dr. Shewell answered all of our questions about the surgery and the recovery process. I wished that it could have just happened then. We would both have preferred to get it over with.
And so, I picked Mom up at 5:15am this morning so that we could check-in at 6:30 in the St. Joseph hospital. We met with several nurses, the anesthetist, and the doctor and waited in the waiting area for two hours until at last they took her back to the operating room. I now sit in the waiting area, surrounded by strangers who are also waiting on news about their loved ones. I understand that every person her is feeling just as anxious and apprehensive as I am. Each one with their own set of circumstances and manner of dealing with their fears. Waiting for the Doctor to emerge to give you news that will either bring relief or burden your heart further is excruciating. I have been in this setting many times before, but today even more so because I wait alone. I have my cell phone, but no one is texting, I have my book but my eyes seem heavy, and I have my computer but I find myself looking at the clock only to see that it has been just five minutes since I last checked....
I know that I'm not completely alone. Friends have sent messages and are thinking and praying for us even now. The thought of the number of people who are with us in spirit is comforting. Our community has been so supportive! Even though I feel alone, I am not and that gives me strength.
Mom is scared and that makes me feel helpless. There is nothing I can do or say that will take away the fear that the doctors will not be able to get all of the cancer that is attacking her body. I secretly have the same fear and somehow doubt that I can handle the news that the doctor might bring alone. And yet my Mom has dealt with this aloneness her entire life dealing with so many traumatic events by waiting alone. I too can do this. I have no other choice after all.
Let the waiting begin.....
(9:45 am) - The hospital liaison just came out and called my name. I swear my heart skipped a beat. (It hasn't been long enough for good news!) She only wanted to say that the surgery began at 9:15. My Mom did well with the anesthetists and she is stable. The liaison warned me that she would be back out in forty-five minutes to "keep me posted". She must have seen from the look on my face that she scared me.
Dr. Shewell has started on the left breast because it will take much longer considering that he has to remove all of the lymph glands on that side; hence a radical left breast mastectomy and a "partial" on the right side.
So far so good....
(10:20 am) - The left side is completely done and the liaison said everything went well. Dr. Shewell has started on the right side. I think that went much quicker than he anticipated. I pray that is a good thing! By now he must know how quickly the cancer is advancing. I will wait another forty-five minutes to hear this news.
My stomach feels queasy....it's probably a good thing I couldn't eat anything this morning.....
(10:48 am) - "Dr. Shewell will see you in the consultation area"... and so I waited isolated in a room where all was quiet. Praying! Dr. Shewell gave me 35 minutes before he came in. i swear my heart was racing like I had been running!
(11:20 am) - The surgery went much like Dr.Shewell had expected. The left side had scar tissue from the previous surgery but Dr. Shewell felt no suspicious lumps in the left lymph nodes or in the tissue in the left breast. There were no suspicious spots on the right side. Inflammatory Breast cancer is hard to treat because it is a skin tissue cancer. Surgery is a treatment for this type of cancer but is not a cure. Removing the cancerous tissue is good but may not prevent it from coming back. Probably in the same area but possibly elsewhere. There is a twenty percent chance of re-occurance...to me this is an eighty percent chance it will not reoccur....Dr. Shewell informed me; however, that this is a pretty high likelihood that it will reoccur. Dr. Shewell said,"the nature of life is that we grow old, we get diseases, and eventually one of them kills us....we need to live as positively as possible and enjoy every day we have whether that is one day, one year, or twenty years." Dr. Shewell's hope for my Mom is that she won't be consumed by the cancer. That she won't focus every waking moment on this disease. That she will enjoy every day she has without worrying that it might return. He says she needs to get back to what she loves doing....back to her work...and she needs to maintain as positive attitude because he believes the cancer feeds off of the feelings and thoughts of the patient.
My fears have been confirmed. Thank God for removing the cancerous tissue that is present at the moment. I pray that God's will is done both in her life and in our lives. Only God knows what is best for us and what will finally kill us.
